Architect, Engineers and Contractors
An architect is said to be a man who knows very little about a great deal and keeps on knowing less and less about more and more until he knows practically nothing about every-thing. Whereas on the other hand, an engineer is a man who knows a great deal about very little and goes on knowing more and more about less and less until finally he knows practically everyhting about nothing. A contractor starts out knowing practically everything about everything, but ends up knowing nothing about everything due to his association with architects and engineers.
. . .
A pastor, a doctor and a contractor were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The contractor fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George, say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
. . .
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The contractor said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
There was a contractor who had an exceptional gift for solving problems. After working for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later one of his clients contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to produce but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired contractor who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The contractor reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine.
. . .
At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the contractor for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The contractor responded briefly: One chalk mark $1.00 - Knowing where to put it $49,999.00.
It was paid in full and the contractor retired again in peace.
An architect, an engineer and a contractor were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The engineer said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
. . .
The contractor said, "I like both."
Contractor "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the job and get some work done."
A building contractor does extremely well and decides to retire and become a Gentleman Farmer. He buys himself a big ranch and gets right down to it. One day, the contractor is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.
. . .
A neighboring farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the contractor. "You need a mule to plow that wet ground." he says. "Where can I buy one?" asks the contractor. "Just happens I gots one for 100 dollars." says the farmer. The contractor looks at his shiny tractor stuck in three feet of thick mud. "I'll take him," he says, and counts out the money.
"Cain't bring him over today, don't work on Sunday. Bring it by tomorrow, â€˜k?" "Sure." says the contractor. The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. "Sorry, bad news." he says, "I went out after breakfast and the mule was dead. See?" he points to the dead mule in the back of his truck.
"Well, no harm done, just give me my money back." says the contractor. "Can't, spent it already!" the farmer looks crestfallen. The contractor thinks for a few minutes, then smiles at his neighbor. "Tell you what, Cletus. You go ahead and unload the mule anyways." "Whatcha gonna do with a dead mule?"
The contractor smiles. "Same thing I used to do out on a job when I got stuck with a load of crap material. Don't you worry, none. Just load that mule right up into the back of my truck and we'll be square."
The old farmer shakes his head at the obvious stupidity of his new city slicker neighbor, but what the heck, he thinks, and loads the mule up into the contractor's truck.
A month goes by and the contractor and farmer run into each other at the town barber shop. By now the whole county had heard about the big city contractor buying a dead mule for $100.
"What did ya do with that dead mule?" asks the farmer, with a sly wink at the other guys in the barbershop. The contractor sits himself right down in the barber's chair, and smiles wide. "Told ya â€" same as I used to do whenever I got stuck with a load of crap material. Raffled him off."
"Raffled him off? How on earth did you manage to raffle off a dead mule?" "I listed his height, weight, and color, and sold 100 tickets at two dollars each. Made $98 dollars profit." "Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the one guy, so I gave him his two dollars back!"
A contractor walks into his neighborhood bar and says to the bartender, "Hey Joe, you know how I'm always having to get rid of critters when I do crawljobs?" The bartender smiles, "You complain about it all the time, Bob."
"Well, if I show you something really cool, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The contractor reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. "Check this out!" he says. "I found him last week while I was fixing Missus Jones' ductwork." He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The barteneder is amazed, and pours Bob a beer. After Bob finishes his drink, he asks the bartender, "If I show you an even cooler trick, will you give me free beers for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The contractor reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tiny rat again. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out the tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The contractor reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
Number after number, the frog sings his head off. Everyone in the bar is amazed. While the contractor is enjoying his beers, a stranger walks up to him and offers him $100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the contractor replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000 cash. The contractor finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the contractor answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."