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Company Policy Memos

No Breaks

To:
From:
Date:
Subject:
   All Employees
Management
Feb. 3, 2003
Restroom Policy


In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective Feb. 24, 2003 a Restroom Policy will be established to provide a consistant method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip Credit of 20 points. RTC can be accumulated from month to month.

Shortly, the entrances to all the restrooms will begin being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition. During the next two (2) weeks, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to management by Feb. 17, 1995. The voice print recognition stations will be operational, but not restrictive, for the month of Feb. Employees should aquaint themselves with the stations during this period. It will be restrictive starting March 1, 2003.

If an employee's RTB balances is at zero (0), the doors to all restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice print until the first of the month.

In addition, all the restrooms are being equipped with a time paper roll retractor. If the restroom is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm will sound throughout the entire building. A computer simulated voice will be activated and announce over the public announcing system the name of the delinquent employee. Ten (10) seconds later, the roll of paper will retract, the toilet will flush and the restroom door will automatically open. If at that time, the employee still remains seated inside the stall, the restroom cameras (which will be linked to the payroll and security console) will turn on.

Your cooperation on this matter will be appreciated. If you have any questions about the new policy, please feel free to ask your supervisor.

Thank You! Management

Top 12 Rejected New Holidays

12. Start of Christmas Season Day
11. False Labor Day
10. Make a Move on Your Secretary Day
 9. Hallmark Card Day
 8. Bring Your Handgun to Work Day
 7. Newtsmas
 6. Deadbeat Father's Day
 5. Bad Hair Day
 4. Put Your Daughter To Work Day
 3. Doris Day
 2. St. Hooter's Day

and the Number 1 Rejected Public Holiday ...

Hash Wednesday
To:
From:
Date:
Subject:
   All Employees
Management
Feb. 4, 2003
Days Off


So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 (Sat and Sun) days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

Most of you spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days,leaving only 22 days available for work.

You get 2 days per year for sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and we'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

Thank You! Management

To:
From:
Date:
Subject:
   All Employees
Management
Feb. 5, 2003
SLAP Policy


As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP. (Sever Late-Age Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, an employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us. 

Thank You! Management

To:
From:
Date:
Subject:
   All Employees
Management
Feb. 6, 2003
Streaking Policy


The Management Has Adapted The Following:

 1. Streaking will be permitted as follows: Female employees will streak on odd days, Male on even days. On payday, all employees may streak subject to the following:

 2. Girls who have tattoos on the lower half of their bodies such as "sock it to me" or "What you see is what you get" will not be permitted to streak. Men with tattoos such as "Let it all hang out" will not be permitted to streak. Also, men with tattoos of butterflies, roses, or elves will streak with females.

 3. Junior executives may carry briefcases while streaking, however, the usual rule applies --- Junior executives may never carry any business papers, but may carry the usual such as a box of Kleenex, lunch, wife's shopping list and playboy magazines, etc.

 4. Girls with busts size larger than 36B must wear a bra while in the shop area or around any moving machinery. Girls with bust sizes smaller than 36B should not try to impress people by wearing a bra.

 5. If you streak in any area where food is served, you must wear two hairnets. These will be available in the vending machines in the cafeteria.

 6. In the event your physical make-up is such that your sex cannot be determined, such as flat chest for girls or long hair on boys you must wear a tag stating "I am a boy" or "I am a girl". Tags will be attached on girls with hairpins or paper clips, on boys with rubber bands; please return paper clips and rubber bands to stationary supplies after you have finished streaking.

 7. Girls may wear jewelry while streaking but in no event should they bend over to retrieve it should it fall. (Due to insurance regulations).

 8. No female beyond her seventh month of pregnancy or those wishing to become pregnant may streak.

 9. No mixed streaking in dark hallways, broom closets, or under desks.

10. When streaking, do not tailgate.

Thank You! Management


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