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Celebrity Statements

Drew Carey On being fat and having sex: I like being on my back more than I used to. I don’t really want to climb on top of a girl, because my belly is all over her. And I do it doggy-style more than I used to.

Pierce Brosnan On the perks of being James Bond: I was flying to Fiji once, and the pilot asks, ‘Do you want to take the controls?’ So he’s just sitting over there looking at his charts, and I’m having a good old time flying the plane. Then he says, ‘Do you want to land?’ I said, ‘No, I don’t want to land.’ Anyway, we get out, and he asks how long I’ve been flying. ‘I don’t fly, for fuck’s sake,’ I said. I guess he really thought I was James Bond.

Charlie Sheen On how many women he’s had sex with: I’ve never attempted to figure that out, because there were times when I was in long-term relationships that would take me out of the running for a few years. So I don’t know. But if you want me to take a wild guess, I’ll say 5,000. I’ll just throw that out there. That’s how I got the nickname the Machine.

Kevin Bacon On getting laid when he was broke: Anybody can get laid if they’re famous. I got laid a lot when I was not famous, and that was something I was very proud of back then. Being a fucking waiter with no money, not a lot of drugs, just a mattress on the floor, and still being able to pull chicks. That’s when you separate the men from the boys.

Chris Rock On being famous: Being famous is like having big tits. You have big tits, everybody’s nice to you, everybody looks at you everywhere you go, you can get in anywhere. But you also have to remember that fame, like big tits, is synonymous with stupidity. No one ever says, ‘My accountant has the biggest tits.’

Jon Stewart On being a generational spokesman: I don’t think there’s a spokesman for anything in this country anymore. There are 200 million people and 120 freaking channels to choose from. I’m not even a spokesman for my own viewers—half of them are just hoping that South Park comes on next. When you’re a star on cable, you’re just setting the table for the next running of Mannequin 3.

The worst comedians of all time

If laughter is the best medecine, these comedians are Dr. Kvorkian.
Sinbad
We're not sure what we hate most about Sinbad. Is it the neon pants, the annoying dangly earring, the oversized Reeboks, or the fact that he doesn't drink? Oh, wait, now we know. It's the shitty jokes that he always tells. That's what we hate most about Sinbad.
Margaret Cho
"Mothers are difficult! But my Asian mother very difficult mother to have! She say things like, 'Me rikey flied lice.' She a very Asian mother!"
Whoopi Goldberg
Soccer moms love Whoopi 'cause they think she's "edgy." Soccer dads are terrified of Whoopi 'cause they think she looks like the "Predator." We don't like her because we like "comedy."
Yakov Smirnoff
We get it—life in Russia was difficult. You had to wait in line for everything (even toilet paper!). But you know what's worse than life in Russia? Having a schtick that only plays to 75-year-olds in Missouri who still think Communism is the enemy. What a cunt bag!
Louie Anderson
Being fat is one thing, but being fat and pathetic is just sad. C'mon, Louie—if you're going to be a huge tub of shit, you need to embrace it. Choke down cheesecakes onstage. Do a bit on getting an erection while rubbing your own man boobs. Talk about how your shits are bigger than Gary Coleman. In other words, be a funny comedian.
Sandra Bernhard
You're not attractive, and that makes you angry. We understand. But why not use some of that unattractiveness to make you funny, too?
Paula Poundstone
Remember that time Paula Poundstone was busted for getting shitfaced and driving her kids to an ice cream parlor? That's by far the funniest thing she's ever done.
Gallagher/Gallagher II
Wait, is this Gallagher or Gallagher II? We can never tell those guys apart. Is Gallagher that shitty comedian who tries to "make a difference" with his free-love hippie bullshit jokes, only to realize that people just want to see him smash a watermelon with a hammer? Or is that Gallagher II?
Kathy Griffin
Is she a gay dude? We're asking for serious.
Judy Tenuta
We think it's fair to call Judy Tenuta an organ grinder, not because of her acumen with an accordian, but for her ability to shred our insides with her shrill voice and pathetically schticky act.
Christopher Titus
Chris found a way to make jokes about abusive fathers beating their children unfunny.
Carlos Mencia
If this is what comedy is going to be like when Mexico takes over America, then we're voting for anyone who promises to put a 50-foot barbed-wire electric fence from Texas to California—and then another one around our TV.

Homer Simpson On nuclear power: Nothing is 100 percent safe. I’m taking a risk every day when I get in my car, drive 120 miles per hour down a crowded sidewalk, and smash though a police roadblock. But what else are you gonna do?

Dennis Hopper On all those nasty rumors: The whole idea that you don’t remember stuff is a lot of horseshit. I know what I’ve done. The other day a guy told me we had met on a beach when he was 12 years old and smoked opium together. Man, I know all the times I’ve smoked opium. I really do. And I can tell you that I didn’t smoke opium with a 12-year-old at the beach.

Dave Grohl On fan appreciation: Just the other day, somebody threw a bra duct-taped to a tennis ball. I just stood there, playing guitar, thinking how this was totally premeditated. Some girl sat around inventing a way to get her bra onstage from 40 rows back. I thought, Hey, we should sell those at the merchandise stand.

Denis Leary On dissing rock stars: Don Henley wrote a letter to MTV demanding that the garbage I produce be taken off the air, then shortly thereafter I got a letter from Joe Walsh saying, ‘Congratulations for pissing off Don Henley.’ And I got called a cunt by Sting. So I was proud of those.

Jack Black On his childhood: I needed attention. A lot of it. I’d just be a total anus to get attention. I’d pretend that I possessed superpowers and had secrets. I put circuitry in my clothes but tried to hide it if someone noticed, because I was hoping they would think I was actually bionic.

Bill Paxton On persistence: Then she says, ‘Well, you know, I’m a guy, and I’m waiting to get my operation.’ I went into shock. But that didn’t keep me from trying again with someone new the very next night. That desperate need to meet women and get laid is a real force of nature. I believe that faint heart never won fair lady.

George Carlin On men’s names: I hate guys named Todd. I think that’s a goofy fucking name. All the boy names that have come along—Taylor, Tyler, Tucker, Carlson, Cassidy, Cody, Flynn—they’re not real names. A real name is Jim.

Conan O’Brien On his fans: They’re mostly prisoners, pimps, and embezzlers. And a lot of college kids who’ve just discovered glue-sniffing. If it’s an older person, it means they probably need to take a medication late at night. They come up to me and say, ‘I put a cream on my ass at 12:34 a.m., and then you come on!’

Fred Willard On horseback riding: You get really sore riding a horse. They’re an incredibly stupid animal. I’d think long and hard about ever riding a horse again, unless I’m offered a lead with Bruce Willis coming to save America on a horse. I’d do it for Bruce, or maybe if I had to save Nicole Kidman, snatch her up, and ride off, holding her tightly to me. [pause] Yes, then I would do it.

Gary Busey On hitting bottom: I came home one day, took off my windbreaker, and three bindles of cocaine fell to the floor. Well, my dog, Chili, who has short hair, came in and laid on her back with her legs in the air, and she rubbed all my cocaine on her back and side. I yelled, ‘No, Chili!’ So I got a straw, and I started brushing her hair and snorting where I saw cocaine. Back, butt, side—not a spot was left. It took me 25 minutes to snort all the cocaine.

David Spade On his first strip club experience: My friend bought me a table dance, and the girl put her ass in my face and started whacking her ass, which is such a gift ’cause I’m totally into it. She’s looking at me and smiling. So I’m thinking, Oh? Is it my turn? Is that what you want? I whacked her in the ass as hard as I could with both hands. By the time the sting ran from her ass to her brain, I was out in the alley, getting pummeled by a bouncer.

Michael Chiklis On going bald: One thing you can’t be in Hollywood is fat and bald. Then you really won’t have a career. I bristle when I hear advertisements for hair growth. They make it sound like hair loss is the worst possible thing that could happen to you. The fact of the matter is, more than half the current leading men don’t have hair. They’re faking it.

Mickey Rourke On being a bouncer: It was a tough job because all the transvestites were smoking angel dust. I’d grab one of those fuckers by the arm and forget they were dudes. They had bigger arms than me! So I’d hit one on the chin or with a pipe, and he wouldn’t move because the angel dust made him superstrong. They wouldn’t fight with their hands. They would take out razors.

Ian McShane On who he thinks are cocksuckers: Politicians. Producers. The money people. People who run things or believe they’re in charge. People who promote the trickle-down theory of economics. Team owners who demand that taxpayers build new stadiums for them. And anyone who has any-thing to do with running a Wal-Mart.

Sarah Silverman On shying away from controversy: As soon as I think I shouldn’t do something, I end up doing it. I was at the Improv, and there were some kids who looked like they were about 14. I thought, I shouldn’t do this joke if there’s a 14-year-old in the audience. But I still ended up talking about coming on someone’s face. I felt like I had raped their brains.

Class Clowns. Maxim [Print + Kindle] . April 2006.


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