Drew Carey On being fat and having sex: I like being on my back more than I used to. I dont really want to climb on top of a girl, because my belly is all over her. And I do it doggy-style more than I used to.
Pierce Brosnan On the perks of being James Bond: I was flying to Fiji once, and the pilot asks, Do you want to take the controls? So hes just sitting over there looking at his charts, and Im having a good old time flying the plane. Then he says, Do you want to land? I said, No, I dont want to land. Anyway, we get out, and he asks how long Ive been flying. I dont fly, for fucks sake, I said. I guess he really thought I was James Bond.
Charlie Sheen On how many women hes had sex with: Ive never attempted to figure that out, because there were times when I was in long-term relationships that would take me out of the running for a few years. So I dont know. But if you want me to take a wild guess, Ill say 5,000. Ill just throw that out there. Thats how I got the nickname the Machine.
Kevin Bacon On getting laid when he was broke: Anybody can get laid if theyre famous. I got laid a lot when I was not famous, and that was something I was very proud of back then. Being a fucking waiter with no money, not a lot of drugs, just a mattress on the floor, and still being able to pull chicks. Thats when you separate the men from the boys.
Chris Rock On being famous: Being famous is like having big tits. You have big tits, everybodys nice to you, everybody looks at you everywhere you go, you can get in anywhere. But you also have to remember that fame, like big tits, is synonymous with stupidity. No one ever says, My accountant has the biggest tits.
Jon Stewart On being a generational spokesman: I dont think theres a spokesman for anything in this country anymore. There are 200 million people and 120 freaking channels to choose from. Im not even a spokesman for my own viewershalf of them are just hoping that South Park comes on next. When youre a star on cable, youre just setting the table for the next running of Mannequin 3.
Homer Simpson On nuclear power: Nothing is 100 percent safe. Im taking a risk every day when I get in my car, drive 120 miles per hour down a crowded sidewalk, and smash though a police roadblock. But what else are you gonna do?
Dennis Hopper On all those nasty rumors: The whole idea that you dont remember stuff is a lot of horseshit. I know what Ive done. The other day a guy told me we had met on a beach when he was 12 years old and smoked opium together. Man, I know all the times Ive smoked opium. I really do. And I can tell you that I didnt smoke opium with a 12-year-old at the beach.
Dave Grohl On fan appreciation: Just the other day, somebody threw a bra duct-taped to a tennis ball. I just stood there, playing guitar, thinking how this was totally premeditated. Some girl sat around inventing a way to get her bra onstage from 40 rows back. I thought, Hey, we should sell those at the merchandise stand.
Denis Leary On dissing rock stars: Don Henley wrote a letter to MTV demanding that the garbage I produce be taken off the air, then shortly thereafter I got a letter from Joe Walsh saying, Congratulations for pissing off Don Henley. And I got called a cunt by Sting. So I was proud of those.
Jack Black On his childhood: I needed attention. A lot of it. Id just be a total anus to get attention. Id pretend that I possessed superpowers and had secrets. I put circuitry in my clothes but tried to hide it if someone noticed, because I was hoping they would think I was actually bionic.
Bill Paxton On persistence: Then she says, Well, you know, Im a guy, and Im waiting to get my operation. I went into shock. But that didnt keep me from trying again with someone new the very next night. That desperate need to meet women and get laid is a real force of nature. I believe that faint heart never won fair lady.
George Carlin On mens names: I hate guys named Todd. I think thats a goofy fucking name. All the boy names that have come alongTaylor, Tyler, Tucker, Carlson, Cassidy, Cody, Flynntheyre not real names. A real name is Jim.
Conan OBrien On his fans: Theyre mostly prisoners, pimps, and embezzlers. And a lot of college kids whove just discovered glue-sniffing. If its an older person, it means they probably need to take a medication late at night. They come up to me and say, I put a cream on my ass at 12:34 a.m., and then you come on!
Fred Willard On horseback riding: You get really sore riding a horse. Theyre an incredibly stupid animal. Id think long and hard about ever riding a horse again, unless Im offered a lead with Bruce Willis coming to save America on a horse. Id do it for Bruce, or maybe if I had to save Nicole Kidman, snatch her up, and ride off, holding her tightly to me. [pause] Yes, then I would do it.
Gary Busey On hitting bottom: I came home one day, took off my windbreaker, and three bindles of cocaine fell to the floor. Well, my dog, Chili, who has short hair, came in and laid on her back with her legs in the air, and she rubbed all my cocaine on her back and side. I yelled, No, Chili! So I got a straw, and I started brushing her hair and snorting where I saw cocaine. Back, butt, sidenot a spot was left. It took me 25 minutes to snort all the cocaine.
David Spade On his first strip club experience: My friend bought me a table dance, and the girl put her ass in my face and started whacking her ass, which is such a gift cause Im totally into it. Shes looking at me and smiling. So Im thinking, Oh? Is it my turn? Is that what you want? I whacked her in the ass as hard as I could with both hands. By the time the sting ran from her ass to her brain, I was out in the alley, getting pummeled by a bouncer.
Michael Chiklis On going bald: One thing you cant be in Hollywood is fat and bald. Then you really wont have a career. I bristle when I hear advertisements for hair growth. They make it sound like hair loss is the worst possible thing that could happen to you. The fact of the matter is, more than half the current leading men dont have hair. Theyre faking it.
Mickey Rourke On being a bouncer: It was a tough job because all the transvestites were smoking angel dust. Id grab one of those fuckers by the arm and forget they were dudes. They had bigger arms than me! So Id hit one on the chin or with a pipe, and he wouldnt move because the angel dust made him superstrong. They wouldnt fight with their hands. They would take out razors.
Ian McShane On who he thinks are cocksuckers: Politicians. Producers. The money people. People who run things or believe theyre in charge. People who promote the trickle-down theory of economics. Team owners who demand that taxpayers build new stadiums for them. And anyone who has any-thing to do with running a Wal-Mart.
Sarah Silverman On shying away from controversy: As soon as I think I shouldnt do something, I end up doing it. I was at the Improv, and there were some kids who looked like they were about 14. I thought, I shouldnt do this joke if theres a 14-year-old in the audience. But I still ended up talking about coming on someones face. I felt like I had raped their brains.
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