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You Have To Have A Career To Kill It

Don't worry, your decision to drunk-dial your psycho ex at 3 A.M. has nothing on these especially stupid moves. Sure, you may pass Go eventually but don't plan on collecting the $200. Success was the disease. These folks found the cure.

Ashlee Simpson dances a hoedown as the wrong lip-synching track plays on Saturday Night Live. Sure, it was the fault of her drummer and/or acid reflux, but her impromptu jig was the epitome of awkward. It didn't totally kill her career, though, because you have to have one to kill one. Her Dad's going to make me start earning on the street again.

George Michael starts trolling the men's room. Georgie Boy hasn't had a hit since he was busted for soliciting sex in a men's room. George, you don't ask for sex; you pay for it! Al Roker once made our mornings with semifunny weather jokes. After he had fatty surgery, Today's ratings dropped like his pounds. Bring back Willard and the old bags!

Charlie Sheen abandons cocaine. Chuck, you gave us Platoon and Wall Street. Why did you give us Good Advice? Distracted by coke withdrawal and Denise Richards' yum-yums? Fair enough.

Michael Moore watches George W. bush get reelected. W's victory proved the fallibility of Fahrenheit 9/11. Because America would never reelect Bush if it was all true, right? Vin Diesel starts believing he's a star. Vin fast and furiously went from great action tough guy to very bad family-friendly comedian. Vin, did you learn nothing from Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot?

Hollywood train wrecks

Sure, it's a long way to the top, but sometimes it's even a longer drop to the bottom. Celebrity self-destruction is not for the faint of heart. Ask Lindsay Lohan about jewelry shopping or Charlie Sheen about doing stand-up. But not even Casey Jones could have averted the carnage of some of the more recent Hollywood train wrecks.
David Arquette
Until recently he's mostly been known as the brother of "Medium" star Patricia Arquette and Rosanna Arquette and Courteney Cox's husband. The announcement that he and Cox were divorcing sent Arquette on a TMI tabloid rampage, spilling major quantities of embarrassing personal info " including this one about his drinking and pot problems. He checked into rehab in January and then got into a head-on car accident in Hollywood on March 4.
Randy Quaid
Best known for his quirky roles, including Cousin Eddie in the National Lampoon Vacation movies and the redneck rancher in "Brokeback Mountain." Randy Quaid received a lifetime ban from Actors Equity for allegedly terrorizing his fellow cast members in a theater production. More recently, he and his wife have been in court for allegedly skipping out on a large hotel bill and seeking asylum in Canada.
Tara Reid
Had a small but memorable part in "The Big Lebowski" and a key role in a major hit "American Pie" before age 25. Heavy partying and botched cosmetic surgery obscured her thespian efforts, she exposed herself on the red carpet at Diddy's birthday party, and early this year, she announced that a "Big Lebowski 2" was in the works; news that surprised everyone, including the Coens.
Tom Sizemore
On the road to a solid career as a supporting player following his performance as the sergeant in "Saving Private Ryan". His rap sheet includes a conviction for assaulting girlfriend Heidi Fleiss and a bust for meth possession that landed him in jail. Other embarrassments on his résumé: a sex tape, an appearance on "Celebrity Rehab," and the use of a device called a "Whizzinator" in an attempt to beat a drug test.
Britney Spears
The teen pop queen debuted with the single "Baby One More Time" and went on to sell millions. Her wild child days started with an impulsive Vegas marriage. But after a short, tumultuous marriage to Kevin Federline, she went off the deep end: shaving her head, attacking cars with an umbrella, rehab, tanking at the VMAs, losing custody of her children.
Whitney Houston
The cover of a Dolly Parton song became one of the biggest hit singles in pop history. By the time she joined her husband Bobby Brown on his reality show, the disheveled and foul-mouthed Houston was unrecognizable as the girl who was once "Saving All My Love for You". She has since divorced Brown and admitted to past drug use, but her most recent CD and tour revealed an artist who is a shell of her former self.
Andy Dick
Bizarre behavior is part of hiss comedy repertoire, but in the time since his stint on "NewsRadio," most of his craziness hasn't been an act. He's been arrested for drug possession, DUI, urinating on a building and groping women. He's been thrown off the set of "Jimmy Kimmel Live" for repeatedly touching fellow guest Ivanka Trump, licked the faces of female celebrities , and gotten in a fistfight with former co-star Jon Lovitz. Most recently, he got himself thrown out of an adult film awards show for harassing a porn star.
Lindsay Lohan
At only 24, she has already accomplished enough to merit a train wreck lifetime achievement award. Remember when a teenage Lindsay supposedly feuding with Hilary Duff was considered hot copy? In just the last five years, Lohan's career has imploded amidst drunken driving arrests, constant clubbing and six separate visits to rehab. The charge that she stole a $2,500 necklace from a jewelry store could be her biggest crisis yet, with the prospect of more time behind bars. Of course she could always just change her name.
Charlie Sheen
"Platoon," "Wall Street", "Young Guns" and "Major League" are just a few of his hit films. He was expelled from high school and first went to rehab in 1990. He spent the '90s dating porn stars and appearing on the Heidi Fleiss client roll. His near-overdose in 1998 seemed to briefly set him until his Christmas Eve 2009 arrest after an altercation with then-wife Brooke Mueller. Encores followed quickly: hotel room trashing, tiger blood, the goddesses and his Twitter explosion. The freak show has no end in sight, and now he's taken it on the road.
Mel Gibson
He stormed the beaches in "Gallipoli," tore up the outback in "Mad Max," almost singlehandedly won the American Revolution " and now he's talking to a hand puppet? There was his 2006 arrest for DUI and the anti-Semitic remarks he made to the arresting officer. His breakup with girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva included charges of violence and the release of several tapes on which someone believed to be Gibson spews more ugly rants. He reportedly has offered his support to Charlie Sheen -- reason enough to earn him in the top spot.
Retired train wrecks
They've stayed out of trouble long enough to make us forget their former issues. Drew Barrymore and Robert Downey Jr. are the official poster children here. Special mention goes to Keith Richards, who clearly will never die.
Train wrecks in training
Demi Lovato, Taylor Momsen and Miley Cyrus. They've all acted out in the public eye, but it's too soon to know if this is normal teenage misbehavior, or the start of a brilliant train wreck career. (Sorry, Mischa Barton: You're too old for this category now.)

Martin goes apeshit on Ventura Blvd. In 1996, he reportedly stood in the middle of an L.A. intersection with a concealed gun, screaming at bystanders and proving that he was, indeed, so crazy.

JFK Jr. flies himself to Hyannisport. We know waiting for baggage sucks, but Junior really should've thought a bit about family curses before he decided to start piloting his own airplane.

Michael Jackson decides to have sleepover parties. Michael's transition from living legend to embalmed white woman is almost as sickening as the Tilt-A-Whirl at Neverland.

Guy Ritchie marries Madonna. Not only did marital sex with Esther suck away his sperm, it also 86'd his talent. Pray to Kaballah that they divorce before he makes his next flick.

Ricky Williams smokes pot. Here's a great idea: Take a God-given gift and millions of dollars, then flush them down the toilet to take bong hits with dirty hippies in Australia. Good move, Ricky.

Mel Gibson turns into a christian nutbag. Mad Max's The Passion of the Christ was a bloody primer for Catholics and was even gorier than Veggie Tales. But there will be salvation. It's called the Velvet Mafia (i.e., Hollywood's gay elite), and it's coming for Mel harder than a Roman guard after a warm bath.

Pauly Shore (will weez for food) emerges from the womb. It was over before it even began. Sure, your costar Brendan Fraser looked dreamy as the caveman in Encino Man, but that doesn't make up for you tattooing that horrible "Chilling with the Weez" shit in our brain. What did we ever do to deserve you?

Metallica sues Napster. Lars and the gang's decision to sue their fans for listening to their music turned this once awesome group from Master of Puppets to Master of Being Rich Assholes.

Fred Durst claims to have bagged Britney. Not a soul believed Fred's coital claim, and out went his fame, fans and formulaic music. We've set our TiVo for his inevitable spot on The Surreal Life.

Kevin Costner makes Waterworld. Before Waterworld: Kevin was an Oscar-winning filmmaker. After Waterworld: Kev died and his evil identical-twin brother made shit like Message in a Bottle.

John Rocker discusses mass transit. In i999, the pitcher said he hated NYC's subways because he didn't want to sit next to "some queer with AIDS." He was suspended - and splashed at Elton's pool party.

Any rock star dates Winona Ryder. Rhett Miller, David Priner, Page Hamilton and Ryan Adams were all well on their way to becoming the next John Lennon. Then they met Sticky Fingers. Song over.

Lil' Kim turns into Michael Jackson. She used to be Biggie's bitch, the one who wouldn't snitch, whether he was broke or filthy fuckin' rich, but lately the Queen Bee is the one who looks broke.

Mike Tyson bites off Evander Holyfield's ear. Iron Mike used to do damage by punching and raping, but in June 1997 he took violence to a new level by ear biting - twice. This guy just might be nuts!

Paula Abdul coaches Corey Clark. Paula's rumored love affair with the American Idol contestant killed her credibility and made her look more desperate than a Stargate fan at a strip club.

Cuba Gooding Jr. stars in Snow Dogs. Show me the horrible decision! Not even the dogs could look him in the eye anymore. Cuba forsook what was left of his Jerry Maguire reputation and put out a frozen piece of shit that makes Boat Trip look like Titanic. Next up for Mr. Gooding? Radio 2: Radio Finds Something Shiny.

The summer of 1958 found Jerry Lee Lewis on top of the world. His twelve day engagement at the Paramount Theater in New York broke all attendance records, and his third hit "Breathless" was moving up the charts--until it all came crashing down during a tour of England in the fall of '58. The British press, discovering his new bride to be only 13 years old and his second cousin (twice removed), attacked him mercilessly. Returning to the states, Jerry faced an equally hostile reaction. Finding himself blacklisted on radio and T.V., The Killer hit the road for an endless string of one-night-stands. "From $10,000 a night to $250 is a hell of a disappointment." he said.

In early 1987, he was the clear frontrunner for the Democratic nomination in the 1988 Presidential campaign. Gary Hart responded to rumors by daring the press corps: "Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a tail on me, go ahead. They'll be very bored." After an anonymous tip, two reporters from the Miami Herald took up Hart's challenge and observed an attractive young woman coming out of Hart's Washington, DC townhouse on the morning of May 2. Photographs of Hart aboard the Monkey Business with then-29-year-old model Donna Rice, sitting in over-50 year-old Hart's lap. The photographs were subsequently published in the National Enquirer. On May 8, 1987, a week after the Donna Rice story broke, Hart dropped out of the race. Hart returned to the race and stayed through mid-spring, making his best showing in Puerto Rico, where he received approximately 7.5% of the primary vote.

The PTL Club show grew quickly until it was carried by close to a hundred stations, with average viewers numbering over twelve million, and the Bakkers had established their own network, The PTL Network. On March 19, 1987, following threats of the revelation of the payoff to Jessica Hahn, whom Jim Bakker's staff members had paid $265,000 to keep secret her sexual services to him, Bakker resigned from the PTL. Bakker's absence resulted in a fierce fight for control of The PTL Network among several other prominent televangelists, which Falwell won. Under Falwell's leadership, The PTL Network within a short time went bankrupt and was liquidated at a deep discount.

Jimmy Swaggart (the cousin of Jerry Lee Lewis and Mickey Gilley) publicly denounced Bakker as "a cancer on the body of Christ." Swaggart destroyed a rival evangelist, Marvin Gorman, over an affair Gorman had. In 1987, Swaggart was involved with a prostitute at a Baton Rouge hotel when Gorman and some associates flattened Swaggart's tires, went and got cameras, and took photographs of Swaggart exiting the hotel with the prostitute. The story broke on February 20, 1988, four months after Swaggart had promised to confess his sin. On February 21, 1988, on his television show taped in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, Swaggart confessed that he was guilty of an unspecified sin and would be temporarily leaving the pulpit. Swaggart lost much of his audience after this event. In November 1991, he was stopped for speeding. In the car with him was another prostitute. Soon after, he was told to leave the church he pastored, but he did not do so. Swaggart kept his church and began preaching again years later. In 1995, Swaggart was again pulled over this time in California with a prostitute in the car.

Wilbur Mills served in the House of Representatives from 1939 to 1977 and served as the chair of the powerful House Ways and Means Committee, a post he held longer than any other in American history. Mills was often termed "the most powerful man in Washington" during his tenure. Best known for being disgraced by scandal after a drunken incident in October 1974 with an Argentine stripper known as Fanne Foxe. Mills was stopped by Washington, D.C. police late at night and found to be intoxicated. His face was bloody from a scuffle with Foxe. When police approached the car, Foxe leapt from the car and jumped into the nearby Tidal Basin. Mills was forced to resign his seat on the Ways and Means Committee and did not seek reelection in 1976.

The Worst Ideas in History. Maxim [Print + Kindle] . April 2010.
You Have To Have A Career To Kill It of All Time. Stuff Magazine has ceased publication with the October 2007 issue. Stuff will now be a regular section within Maxim [Print + Kindle] .


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