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Oneliners, Stories, etc.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

NHRA Skoal Funny Car driver Tommy Johnson Jr. on How To Win a Drag Race. During your before a drag race chat with the other driver, "Don't make him mad; that'll only give him more reason to beat you," explains Johnson. "Instead, I let him think he's got me beat, then I step up and surprise him." A "prerun burnout," heats the tires up so they'll stick to the track: "If you spin your tires during the race, you're not going anywhere."

Those guys revving their engines before a race? Poseurs. "They're just trying to intimidate you," Johnson says. "All it means is they're worried. If they're trying to screw with me, that just builds my confidence. The guy with the faster car chooses the starting lanes. Wait until the last second to pick the lanes, or switch lanes right before the race. Get the other guy thinking and you'll have the advantage."

"As soon as the yellows come on, I nail the gas. Yellow turns green in four tenths of a second, and if you react faster than that you're not human. If you get out first, you've just got to hold on to stay ahead. Look way down the track, almost to the finish line. The acceleration is so fast, it's the easiest way to stay straight. Before you know it, you're at the spot you focused on." Make sure to pop that chute, Speedy.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. Have you dabbled in the old ganja over the years? Man, don’t you know that stuff’s illegal? From our vast experi—uh, research, we can tell you that daily toking tends to screw with hormone levels (think lowered libido) and diminishes your sperm count over time. And chronic (get it?) long-term use really can rot your brain’s memory function irreversibly, no matter what that babbling, incoherent stoner on the corner says.

Only after about five years of daily smoking do memory and problem-solving damage start to become permanent, says Gregory Collins, M.D., section head of the Alcohol and Drug Recovery Center at the Cleveland Clinic. Now that’s good news if we ever heard it.

It’s better to binge once a week than to dabble every other night; it gives your body time to recover, say the docs. Turns out bongs and water pipes add 30 percent more tar to your system than smoking a joint, according to a 2000 study by NORML, the international pro-pot group. Why? Water pipes filter out more THC than carcinogens, so you have to smoke a lot more for the same wacky effect. This one wasn’t so hard to figure out. The purer pot is, the better for you it is, because you won’t smoke as much for the same buzz. Unless you crazy, muthafucka.

Growing old is mandatory growing up is optional. If you're lucky, you're going to grow old. If you're very lucky, you'll grow so old that morticians will follow you around with a measuring tape to save time. You'll need a fire marshal on hand for your birthday cakes. When someone mentions they've spoken to you, people will gasp and exclaim, "Is he/she still alive?" That's old. No matter what you do on the outside, you're going to become older on the inside. The only alternative to growing old is getting dead. And while we've never been dead, we can safely say being old and alive is a heck of a lot more fun. Aging is not optional.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse ... it'll be a great trade!.

1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies. 1975 - 1998: Nothing.

If there is a place in this country where time stands still, it is in the drive-thru lane. Seconds stretch and linger and seem like minutes. Idle there an actual minute, and you'd swear it was fifteen. And then you wonder if the order is right. "Maybe, maybe not." The only thing that could compare would possibly be the final thirty seconds of a televised football game, in which commercials and time-outs extend it seemingly to eternity.

How is it that we discover in retrospect that so many funny things happened to us on our way through the Swing Era years of war and depression? Perhaps humor is an antidote - the belly laugh to cure the bellyache. Certainly the Swing Era coincided with the flowering of so many comic geniuses that every anthology of the period omits as many gems as it includes. There were so many gems. Several national magazines were devoted solely to humor, and many others leavened every issue with funny words and pictures.

Much of the humor of these vintage years retains its pith and tang because we were so willing then to laugh at ourselves. The fun we poke at ourselves matures better. In the Swing Era we happily kidded our whole society and all its products, including ourselves. Will Cuppy and Robert Benchley took solemn scientists down a peg. Gardner Rea, Ned Hilton and Rube Goldberg reduced the vast complexities of industry to charrning muddles. James Thurber and E. B. White led us gently into the mazes of the human mind and left us there, lost and laughing. Peter Arno, with sophisticated savagery, and Charles Addams, with mad logic, chilled our gizzards, all in good fun.

We laughed in sympathy with H. T. Webster's Timid Soul and Helen Hokinson's pottering matrons; with J. R. Williams' dusty cowhands, grimy machinists and harried mothers, and with Bakers Sad Sack and Sgt. Bill Mauldin's Willie and Joe. They were all part of the family. Franklin P. Adams struggling in verse with a railroad timetable or Ogden Nash revealing in rueful rhyme a father's fantasies about his daughter's future suitors were joshing us along with themselves.

Cindy Crawford is born in DeKalb, Illinois, to John Crawford and Jennifer Moluf, whom nobody knew from Adam February 20, 1966. Twenty years later, everybody in the world knew their daughter, one of the most successful supermodels to be produced on American shores in the history of beautiful people. The facial mole would never be the same.

In what is one of the earliest examples of British Band Foot-in-Mouth disease, the Beatles' John Lennon utters the infamous "We're more popular than Jesus now" to an interviewer from England's Evening Standard March 4, 1966. Folks on this side of the pond are none too pleased.

The Texas Western Miners basketball team, with five African-American starters, defeats the Kentucky Wildcats, with five white starters, to win the NCAA Championship, breaking the segregation barrier in college basketball for the first time March 19, 1966.

The Beach Boys unleash Pet Sounds, which would become one of the most legendary and cutting-edge albums in history May 16, 1966. Songs like "Wouldn't It Be Nice," "God Only Knows," "Caroline No," and "Sloop John B" own the airwaves the rest of the summer.

The United States Supreme Court rules 5-"4 in the landmark decision Miranda v. Arizona, protecting rights of the accused and giving us all the right to remain silent June 13, 1966. Until the invention of the cell phone, that is.

England defeats West Germany at London's Wembley Stadium to take home their first - and thus far only - World Cup July 30, 1966. The Americans, oddly enough, do not qualify.

At a press conference in Chicago, August 11, 1966, John Lennon apologizes for suggesting that his band was more popular than Jesus, saying, "I never meant it to be a lousy antireligious thing." Years later, fellow British rock group Oasis, however, has yet to apologize for saying the band is bigger than both God and the Beatles. NBC airs "The Man Trap," the first episode of the science-fiction television series Star Trek (though there remains a debate as to whether or not this was the actual first episode in the series) September 8, 1966. Star Trek was canceled after only three seasons, which is strange, considering it's still on.

Baltimore Orioles relief pitcher Moe Drabowsky enters Game 1 of the 1966 World Series in the third inning and strikes out 11 Los Angeles Dodgers - the most ever by a relief pitcher in a World Series game October 5, 1966. The Orioles go on to sweep the series.

Walt Disney dies of lung cancer at age 65 December 15, 1966. Though urban legend says Disney remains cryogenically frozen in a capsule somewhere, his remains were actually cremated at the celeb-heavy Forest Lawn Memorial Park and Mortuary in Glendale, California.

45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

User's Guide to Top Hits Section

All "tag-along" titles, B-side chart hits which never appeared first or on their own on the charts, are listed after their A-side titles. A diagonal symbol ( / ) is shown after the first charted side and the second charted side is in smaller print. A diagonal was also used in some record titles.

  • RANK: Final ranking for the year
  • TITLE: Song's title as it appears on recording / B-side
  • GOLD: Gold single* Song's rank & title shown in bold, platinum single* shown in bold-italic
  • DEBUT: Artist's first appearance are shown in bold, first and only appearance shown in bold-italic
  • REMARKS: Brief notes that may be of special interest
#1 Records Listed Chronologically
  • DATE: Date record first hit the #1 position.
  • WKS: Total weeks record held the #1 position.
* The Record Industry Association of America began certifying gold records in 1958 and platinum records in 1976. Prior to these dates, there are most certainly some hits that would have qualified for these certifications. Also, certain record labels have never requested RIAA certification for records that would have qualified for these awards.

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